Friday, February 5, 2010

Pillow-Talk in Novosibirsk 2/4/10

Pillow-Talk in Novosibirsk
Weather -- Clear and Sunny Temp -- minus 10F (-17C)
Wind -- 7-10 mph from the east

Pillow-talk is a little different here in the mission. For you single people, this is the time between going to bed and sleeping that most women use to communicate with their husbands about the events of the day because they are hardwired with this special calendar in their heads attached to a mental notebook that are both activated when they get horizontal.

Below, Brian and I are having a little pillow-talk, but it isn't the same thing.

At a time when a man's thoughts are either on romance or sleep, his wife's systems are cascading dates, names, needs, he-said/she-said dialogues, and honey-do list items that would choke a horse. As this dialogue continues, the husband's inclination for romance is permanently stifled and sleep is his only refuge, but as the wife senses his relaxation she ups the volume or employs the elbow to be sure that he gets the entire message. If all else fails, early the next day she will "remind" him of what he agreed to last night while he was trying to go to sleep and he is defenseless.

Well, here in the mission field the process continues unabated, but the topics revolve around the situations, people, and commitments of the mission plus one new category; metabolic processes. To try and keep this blog "family friendly" and socially acceptable I will euphemize the dialogue so as not to offend the sensibilities of the reader, but please realize that these additional pillow-talk topics are important to older couples out in the mission field away from their usual remedies, medicines, doctors, exercise routines, and other helps to stay healthy and mobile.

Below, Grammy Cindy is having a little pillow-talk with Hannah (number three grandchild), but that's not the same either.

Sister Cindy is undoubtedly going to take me to task about this blog, accusing me of various insensitivities and generally massive poor judgment, but I write this for two purposes. One, to let you parents know the struggles and challenges of we older missionaries that the young ones don't have, and two, to let the older readers see that these things can be dealt with, overcome, or avoided and that they should not let their fears of such keep them from serving away from home. I will probably treat all of this with some attempt at humor, but that's how I cope with difficult things.

Recently, a pillow-talk session went something like this.
Sister Cindy, "I love you. Thanks for all your work today."
Me, "You're welcome, I love to serve. You worked hard too"
SC, "What did you weigh tonight?"
IMe, "I didn't want to know."
SC, "Well, get up and weigh yourself. You need to keep on top of this."
Me, "Mumble, mumble." Returning to bed, "196".
SC, "Was that net or gross?" (I subtract the weight of my garments, watch, glasses, etc to estimate my true weight and keep the number as low as possible)
Me, "Net of course. It is always net. Why do you always ask that?"
SC, "I just want to be sure."
Me, "Well, it's net, always net."
SC, "Did you p_ _ p today.
Me, "No"
SC, "You need to get up and take some Yucky Tea." (This is an herb tea that is a blood cleanser with some definite lower track impact)
Me, "Mumble, mumble". Returning to bed, "I drank the last of it. You will need to make some more."
SC, "Did you drink it ALL?"
Me, "Not the dregs. I hate the floaties."
SC, "That's the best part for you."
Me, "I hate the floaties."
SC. "You need to drink more water. I made an appointment with the dentist for Friday night to fix my other broken filling. Can you stay at the office while Olga and I go to the dentist or do you want to come home before I go? Oh, I can't leave you alone at home or the office. Maybe the office elders will stay with you."
Me, "I can stay at the office and I promise not to leave and fall down on the ice."
SC, "I don't know. Maybe I should cancel that appointment. You should call the office elders and get them to stay late."
Me, "It's 2:15 am. I'm not calling the office elders now."
SC, "I know that. Just be sure to call them in the morning. I'll write that on my list for tomorrow." (gets out of bed, goes to the kitchen and writes down that I should call them) (returning to bed) "I wrote it down. Now be sure to call them."
Me, "Cindy, it will be fine for me to stay at the office. I promise not to do anything life-threatening."
SC, "Do you need any cleaning supplies at the store? President Gushchin will pick us up at 9:00 am for shopping."
Me, "Blue Fairy and some bleach."
SC, "Do we have plenty of toilet paper?"
Me, "We have at least 8 rolls in the toilet."
SC, "Maybe you should bet another 4 just in case."
Me, "In case of what?"
SC, "Just to be sure. Are you keeping water in the humidifier?"
Me, "Yes."
SC, "I had another nosebleed this morning. Are you sure you are keeping it going?"
Me, "Yes. Are we done?"
SC, "Did I start the dishwasher?"
Me, "I don't know."
SC, "Can you go look?"
Me, "Sure, I love to serve."
SC, "The Left-bank Sisters will bring their investigator to dinner and a lesson tomorrow at 5. We need to leave the office at 4. OK?"
Me, "OK. Are we done?"
SC, "Are you keeping up on your blood pressure pills?
Me, "Pretty much."
SC, "What's pretty much?"
Me, "I missed a couple of days but I'm pretty much regular. Are we done?"
SC, "How are you doing on our taxes? Can you be done by the end of the week?"
Me, "Hmm, mumble."
SC, "Are you sleeping?
Me, "No, I'm just looking at my ideas like the guide in Guatemala."
SC, "Don't you go to sleep yet."
Me, "What was the question?"
SC, "Can you finish the taxes this week?"
Me, "I think so. Are we done?"
SC, "I think so." Kiss "Good night"
Me, "Good night. I love you. Roll over and don't snore"
SC, "No, YOU rollover and don't snore. Roll over! Straighten out your legs. You are in my space."
Me, "I would have to get out of the bed not to be in your space."
SC, "Come on . . . move your legs just a little. There, now I can cuddle up to your back."
Me, "I love you."
SC, "I love you too."

Well, that's pillow-talk in the mission for a couple of 67 year old missionaries. I love my companion and I'm glad I don't have to worry about where I am going to be transferred every 6 weeks.

Noting the picture to the right, you would think that it would be easy to control someone smaller than yourself, but it is the other way around. Without her, I would probably weigh 250, have high blood pressure, and starve, but I would get more sleep.

What a partner. What a country.


Emily said...

I always do have a to-do list running through my head for both me and Nick. He is lucky to be married to someone who keeps track of all this stuff. So are you. But this post makes me laugh because it is so true.

Carol said...

Sounds like our pillow talk. Must be normal!!!! What would you men do with out us wonderful wifes to keep life interesting. She sounds like a wonderful lady!!

Mom/Cindy said...

It's all true. Sure love you Elder Dougie.

Trisha said...

I laughed all the way through it. It is so true. Pillow talk is very different for a man and a woman. It is great to know that I am not alone. Sure love you guys.

Shannon said...

Ahhhhhh, this made me laugh. I dont have anyone but a pillow to pillow talk to, so I get a lot of sleep! Apparently I have fun times to look forward to. This was very very very entertaining. Like I always say, you two are better than any tv show. Your my own tv show with your banter! love you!